she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
