did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
