A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
