I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
