Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
