so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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