I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You made out with two different species that night
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
