Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
