If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
