Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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