Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
