I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
