I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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