I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
