my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
