saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
