i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
