Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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