So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize