I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize