it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
