There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
