why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
