mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is Oprah even human
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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