My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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