You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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