I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sorry my hands just texted you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize