Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
