Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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