the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
