Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
