I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
