First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
