just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
