apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Enjoy the penises
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
