I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
