I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
