She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
