This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
