i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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