now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
