I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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