I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
