Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
