So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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