pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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