either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
