I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
