I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
