I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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