i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
