We won't sleep together?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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