good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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