Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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