You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
