i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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